1000 Things We Hate #248: Slutty Pre-Teens

24 01 2013

There is an appropriate age for everything.  Especially being a slut (assuming anyone can actual be an appropriate slut).

Hmm…do you know what cock is?

As a 22 year old I yearn for the innocence and naivety I had as a child.  It was great when people didn’t laugh when you accidently said something sexually suggestive; when sex wasn’t the first thing on every male’s mind; and when a little girl could be a little girl.

Now little girls are hardly ever allowed to be little girls.  With shows like Toddlers and Tiaras, Cheer Perfection, and Dance  Moms girls wear revealings clothes, fake tans, and gobs of makeup.  It’s all about the sex appeal of  little girls.

Sure, you want to cheer so cheer.  Sure, you want to dance so dance.  But, does a ten year old really need to show off her frilly underwear?  Do eight year olds belong in leather?

Youth is something everyone yearns for after at least thirty.  So, why do we encourage little girls to pretend to be older than they are?  It seems so hypocritical.  If they want to be sluts after they’re 18, then that is their own choice.  Until then, leave them to chose their own mismatched, colorful clothing.   Let them enjoy their youth.

This fresh face is so much cuter.





1000 Things We Hate #248: Inappropriate Crowd Surfing

25 08 2012

I am post-move to Salt Lake City.  So, of course, the first thing for me to do was figure out when all of the music shows are happening so I can escape my scholarly world of Graduate School for a few hours.  Salt Lake City happens to have a great program during the summer called the Twilight Concert Series.  The beauty of this is that it is only $5 for a 3-4 hour music experience.

Last week was Iron and Wine and Kathleen Edwards.  This week was M. Ward and DeVotchKa.  Understandably, not really crowd surfing music.

BUT SOME MOTHERFUCKERS STILL DID IT.

Let me give you an idea of songs that people crowd surfed to:

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THESE ARE TOTALLY CROWD SURFING SONGS.  Let’s get drunk and have dozens of people’s hands touch our backs, scrotum, and hair!

To be fair, Iron and Wine had a saxophone and some pretty mean jams… which, I don’t know, gives me the desire to shake my hips NOT throw myself into reckless abandon.  Although, I jumped into a group of strangers during M. Ward and danced with them.  We smiled.

Out of anyone, there should have been some crowd surfing to DeVotchKa (there was an aerial trapeze artist!), but apparently people don’t know how to dance to a waltz (3/4) without actually doing a waltz.

Okay, though, I get it.  I get it. Crowd surfing, as an idea, sounds pretty fuckin’ cool.  You just float across people’s outstretched arms.  You become one with mother earth, and all that jazz.  I even have a book of things to do before you (I) die that gives you little stickers when you complete something, and this book has a specific place for crowd surfing.  I can understand the appeal.

But isn’t that what Metal is for?  Like, let’s put on some 1991 Metallica mosh, punch, and crowd surf?  I just don’t find it very appropriate for people to crowd surf to songs that have saxophones, banjos, harmonicas, and acoustic guitars to.  I don’t know, I may be unreasonable with this… HOWEVER, I do have a solution (partially breed from watching Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition on Blu-Ray):

Let’s get helmets, right?  Let’s put spikes on those helmets, yeah!?  LET’S SPIKE SOME DICKFACES IN THE FACE WHEN THEY TRY TO CROWD SURF ONTO US!

Or, you know, don’t raise up your arms and let them fall onto their heads…

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For more 1000 Things We Hate, check out the MASTER LIST… hopefully it won’t take us so fucking long to get a new post out next time…





1000 Things We Hate #247: Papyrus Font

1 08 2012

Have you ever been clubbed on your head… multiple times?  Or, have you seen a grass hopper crushed in the jaws of a lizard?  Or, have you done so many somersaults and jumping jacks that you fall on your ass?

I can safely say that all of these things have happened to you just by seeing the photo above.

Papyrus is basically one of two fonts that are the bane of everyone’s existence in the (official) graphic design world.  A company will come to a person and say, “hey, we’d like a font that looks fun, old, rustic, and mildly fancy.”  But you know who they’re turning to?  The secretary working at the office who took a single class in high school ten years ago on design!  They’ll just look at the standard fonts that come with Microsoft Word and think, “hot damn!  This is a mighty fine font!”

Now, in the high desert where there’s lots of antique shops and medical companies, they think they’re the shit by using this font.  But really, it’s just a cheap and easy font.  It’s everywhere because people don’t know how to actually do their research with fonts.  There are hundreds of fonts that are more effective and exciting than this half-assed design.  Hell, the creator even hates the font now!

Every time I see Papyrus in the real world, I do a major eye roll.  I’m seriously turned off by this font to the point that I think less of the company that uses it.  “Oh, hey, you’re studying my head?  Apparently, you didn’t study your design!”  I distrust their capability at treating me or selling something to me.  Seriously, I see a new place with this font at least once every two weeks – one new place not to trust.

There are so many elegant things in life, and this font is not one of them.

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1000 Things We Hate is quite the experience!  So, dig down deep and read our entire backlog at the MASTER LIST.





1000 Things We Hate #246: Sun Allergies

25 07 2012

The sun.  It’s a giant ball of burning gas that just happens to make life possible.  We need it to survive and to keep an aesthetically pleasing sheen to our skin.  Yet, some are cursed by the sun.   The sun, in all it’s tempting comfort, actually causes  pain – and not pain from a sunburn.

I speak foremost about myself.  I haven’t got one of those diseases where I can’t be in the sun at all (that’s a whole different definition of suck-i-ness!), but I definitely can’t stay in the sun for very long.  According to a search on the internet I have what is called polymorphous light eruption.  First off, that is a sweet name.  Bonus points to whoever named it.  Second, it’s actually pretty common.  There’s a huge group of people who go into the sun with high expectations and exit with rashes.  Seriously, you sit in the sun to make your skin prettier, not gross.

These are rashes not sunburns: tiny, raised bumps all over the hands and chest.  And, like most rashes, they sun itch like crazy.  And itching only makes them worse.  I have enough self control to stop myself from itching most of the time but I’ve seen pictures of people who can’t.  Eventually, they make themselves bleed or the skin gets hard…gross, gross, gross!

I was complaining to my boss about my sun allergy and she said she also has an allergy: she sneezes.   Literally every time she walks into the sun she goes into sneezing fits.  Luckily, we live in the Pacific Northwest so we don’t have to worry about the sun all too often.  But still, I need my vitamin D like everyone else, but I have to go through a little more pain to get it.

In sum, screw you sun.  I appreciate that you gave me life and everything but I’m a super vain person, I want my nice skin back.

This pretty much sums up my feelings…





COUGHING

16 07 2012

Ugh, you guys, I have become deathly ill.  As in, I have a cough, sore throat, and a sniffly nose.  I somehow managed to get this after my glorious hike onto COFFIN MOUNTAIN.  Incidentally, Aaron got it to.

I just don’t get sick very often.  The last time I was sick was in November and that was for two days.  I’ve probably only been sick 3-4 times during the summer in my entire life.  I’m just guessing that this happened as a child because I don’t remember it now.

Anyway, it made me think of our post on the infamous CLASS COUGHER.  The difference being that I’m not actually in class.  FOR SHAME! I know.

So, enjoy that classic hate, and I’ll enjoy some Soul Coughing:

By the way, I really don’t like Soul Coughing, but I do feel like I’m coughing from my soul.





1000 Things We Hate #245: Touching Computer Screens

14 07 2012

I freak out a lot.  For instance, yesterday I went on a hike with my two best friends and my Mom to the top of a mountain.  I’m not the biggest fan of heights, but I’ll go up there.  However, I will not stand on the edge and look straight down.  Troy (in particular) and Aaron enjoyed the looking straight down and edge thing WHERE YOU COULD EASILY PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH WITH ONE SLIP.  Troy pushed it even further by standing on one foot.  I would not appreciate watching one of my friends fall to their death (although, I’d only see the beginning rather than look over the edge and watch).

So, yeah, I was freaking out standing at least 10 feet away at all times from the edge.  I’d like to think that me freaking out about the possibility of death is similar to me seeing someone about to touch my computer screen.

I’ll be showing something really awesome to someone like all of the different slurpee flavors that exist or like my pictures from the aforementioned hike.  They’ll want to point something out to me by literally pointing to the computer monitor.  But, as I inhale deeply, I spot their finger drawing nearer and nearer to my monitor.  Before I can stop them, they’ll tragically slide their greasy finger along the screen leaving a smudge that I will have to clean later.

I have developed a strategy in dealing with this atrocity.  When I can tell someone’s about to do it, I will yell (literally) at them to stop.  Or, if I’m in a particularly bad mood, I’ll slap their hand.  The problem is that sometimes they’re just going to point a full inch and a half away from the screen, BUT I CANNOT TAKE THAT RISK.

If you want to please the general population (as in me), then take care and point in the general area of what you want to draw attention to a good two inches away from the screen.  After they get close to the item of interest, describe to them what you’re looking at and say whether or not it’s up/down/left/right.  If they don’t understand where you’re trying to tell them to go, bite their ear off… that will teach them a lesson to pay attention.

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For a similar post about computer monitors and everything that can go wrong with cleanliness, explore DIRTY COMPUTER MONITORS.

And, when all else fails and you have 10 hours to kill, read all of  (or just a single post) our MASTER LIST.





Massive Update

9 07 2012

Hey everyone!

So, I finally got around to updating the MASTER LIST.  You can now reach posts 218-242 by going to that incredible archive.  Relive the hilarity, relearn why you should hate things, create a modern marvel, high five an astronaut.  All of this can be achieved by clicking that link and checking out some of our previous posts!