1000 Things We Hate #246: Sun Allergies

25 07 2012

The sun.  It’s a giant ball of burning gas that just happens to make life possible.  We need it to survive and to keep an aesthetically pleasing sheen to our skin.  Yet, some are cursed by the sun.   The sun, in all it’s tempting comfort, actually causes  pain – and not pain from a sunburn.

I speak foremost about myself.  I haven’t got one of those diseases where I can’t be in the sun at all (that’s a whole different definition of suck-i-ness!), but I definitely can’t stay in the sun for very long.  According to a search on the internet I have what is called polymorphous light eruption.  First off, that is a sweet name.  Bonus points to whoever named it.  Second, it’s actually pretty common.  There’s a huge group of people who go into the sun with high expectations and exit with rashes.  Seriously, you sit in the sun to make your skin prettier, not gross.

These are rashes not sunburns: tiny, raised bumps all over the hands and chest.  And, like most rashes, they sun itch like crazy.  And itching only makes them worse.  I have enough self control to stop myself from itching most of the time but I’ve seen pictures of people who can’t.  Eventually, they make themselves bleed or the skin gets hard…gross, gross, gross!

I was complaining to my boss about my sun allergy and she said she also has an allergy: she sneezes.   Literally every time she walks into the sun she goes into sneezing fits.  Luckily, we live in the Pacific Northwest so we don’t have to worry about the sun all too often.  But still, I need my vitamin D like everyone else, but I have to go through a little more pain to get it.

In sum, screw you sun.  I appreciate that you gave me life and everything but I’m a super vain person, I want my nice skin back.

This pretty much sums up my feelings…

Massive Update

9 07 2012

Hey everyone!

So, I finally got around to updating the MASTER LIST.  You can now reach posts 218-242 by going to that incredible archive.  Relive the hilarity, relearn why you should hate things, create a modern marvel, high five an astronaut.  All of this can be achieved by clicking that link and checking out some of our previous posts!

1000 Things We Hate #241: Your/You’re

25 06 2012

This post will be short and sweet because it’s one of those grammar things that is really easy to fix.


Let me give you a grasp on this simple grammatical error that bothers the shit out of me – the difference between your/you’re.

Your is possessive.  “It’s your binder, not mine.”
You’re is a contraction meaning “You are.”  It’s just like “don’t” meaning “do not.”

So, it’s:

“You’re going to the park?”
“How was your trip to the park?”

See how “your” makes the trip to the park a possessive thing?  While “you’re” displays an action.  You can also rearrange the “you” and “are” from “you’re” to make, “Are you going to the park?”


Simple, right?  Unfortunately, most people use “your” for everything rather than breaking apart “you’re” to stand for “you are.”

So, I’m tired of this shit that involves “Your going to the park?”

For reference, here are my reactions to the wrongdoing over your/you’re:

It begins with utter anger and disgust.  See how I barely look human?  That’s how angry I am.  My sideburns are literally popping out of my face.

Then I go into a brief moment of frustration.  I cease to care about my hair, light shoots out of my armpit, and my arm hair stands on end.

Finally, I turn into a human vegetable.  My eyelids begin to droop, my tongue slowly escapes from my mouth, and I probably let out a little tear every time someone tells me grammar (or Gogurt) is dead.

Okay, come to think of it, this is my set of reactions towards most things… even when I fall in love with a butterfly or the air or the tiny wedge of light between your door and door frame at night with your house next to a street lamp or Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream with gumball eyes OR FALL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF.  These things almost always happen on a daily occurrence (probably just the butterflies because we don’t live next to a street lamp in Bend nor does the ice cream truck come out all the way to a place 10 miles away from everything BUT I ALWAYS FALL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF).

Get it right people.  The crusade against “your” and “you’re” WILL NEVER END until people stop shitting themselves inside their brains.


Hey, hey guys… guess what?  You can unload your brain by visiting the MASTER LIST to read all of the 1000 Things We Hate up to this point!  It’s a great way to waste your time on the internet!  Come on, it’s better than 4Chan!

1000 Things We Hate #240: Mullet Dress

25 05 2012

Wait… wait just a second.  *cough* *choke* *splurtle*


*wipes lips and puts down toilet seat*

Sorry about that you guys!  I think I just vomited two tons of bile!  Go me!

Let’s get serious for a momen… *cough* *cough* *Hrumm*

Okay, okay.  I’m good.

I, like very little of you, thought that mullets were a cool, retro thing (this is a lie).  They totally rocked it (with sliminess).  You could get the best of both worlds (war of the worlds): a slick, short front with a long, manly mane (I think I might throw up again).  They were the best things ever (I’m totally lying)!

And guess what!  They’re making a comeback in fashion!  Sure, it started out with the scene lady mullet, and now it has exited the realm of the indie obscure to the fashion industry’s dresses.

I love this image for so many reasons…

What is a mullet dress?  Well, it begins with a short skirt-like front and it ends with a dangling thing hanging out the back.  I suppose it’s a great way to show the front of your legs off, but to keep your back concealed for fear of having your butt hang out.  On the other hand, many of the dresses are strapless.  So, one wrong step may result in your pulling down the front of your dress and letting your breasts take a swim in the free world.

The strange thing about these dresses is how reminiscent they are to jelly fish.  IS IT BECAUSE THEY STING!? HAHAHAHAHAHAAA… I had to.  But really, there’s a reason as to why we don’t imitate sea life… it’s underwater…we’re above water.  Become a mermaid in the bedroom.

They’re impractical, a bad throwback to the past, revolting, and do not make much sense… SO BUY ONE.


Wow, those dresses are bad!  You can check out our many critiques of fashion at the MASTER LIST.  Or, just take a peek at a few of our top fashion posts…

 The ever wonderful LEGGINGS, the irritating BOOTS WITH SOCKS SHOWING, and the slightly cool but painfully upsetting FLOWER HEADBANDS.

1000 Things We Hate #239: Electric Blankets

23 05 2012

I loathe electric blankets.  Why do you need an electric blanket when you can just get MORE blankets?  I want to be so cold that I need enough blankets to smother me to death!  At least I’ll be comfortably warm when I die…

They have a purpose, sure.  They deliver an easy source of heat in a relatively thin fabric.  But, have you felt some of these electric blankets!?  Many of them you have to delicately move with your fingertips for fear of destroying things.  I would much rather haphazardly throw my blanket off of me without the fear of PULLING OUT THE CHORD.  They’re laced with coils of heat.  It’s just strange that you would wrap yourself with such a concoction.

Imagine this:
It’s my day off.  I want to drink tea and watch bad videos in bed.  However, I don’t want my feet to get cold.  Surely, the simple solution would be just to pour my hot tea onto my feet, but that would be too easy.  Instead, I require something that will renew my faith in life. I need something preheated.  Something warm… something delicate like a hardy flower… something inspired.
What do I get?  Yep, a blanket with hot coils that can cause THIS:

Okay, I think I’ve gone on record saying that I want to live a suburban life dangerously on the edge without guns, fast cars, drugs, or home mortgages.  So, I really can’t be so upset about an electric blanket.  But, you could burn at any second – worst of all, YOU COULD LOSE A SOCK.  There are limits people, LIMITS!

It all comes down to whether or not I want to accidentally pull something out of the electric socket.  The answer is no, I would much rather stick things into the socket… like q-tips or ice cream or Febreze or pirate hats or Pavement records or shoelaces or the Pythagorean theorem.


The MASTER LIST is calling to you to check out so many more 1000 Things We Hate.  Get your hate on, braough!

1000 Things We Hate #238: Butt Lint

9 05 2012

Nothing this startling or beautiful comes from out of my butt crack!!! WHY NOT!?

I intend for this post to be HIGHLY embarrassing!  The problem is that I don’t get embarrassed easily.  So, this will be SHAMELESS.  I might cry a little afterwards, but that’s okay.

I have a problem people!  Basically, I am covered in hair from the lower back down.  Extremely hairy.  You could probably make a meal out of my hair if you’re desperate.  Or knit a sweater for some poor kid in Tibet… (HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSES CHINA!  Get it!?).  No matter what, I will startle you with my hairiness.  Luckily, I’m fairly hair free on my upper body besides my beautiful happy trail, decent chest hair, armpits, and, of course, my face and head.  I could actually use a little bit more hair on my face for my great bid to have a beard (not happening).  I could transfuse the hair I have to my face.  GREAT IDEA ME!

On a daily basis, I have to reach back to my butt crack and grace it with my index finger’s presence.  This is in an attempt to discover whether or not I have a massive storage of butt crack lint going on.  Butt crack lint isn’t much different than lint in your belly button.  The hair just traps it, and it’s really quite astonishing how much of your clothes rub off on you every time.  So, in theory, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal…

BUT IT’S MY BUTT CRACK PEOPLE!  That’s a very delicate and sad part of my body.  I really don’t want to draw extra attention to it when I bend over.  People will be like “homiieee g, your butt crack be bangin with hairrr!”  I’ll be like “uhhh… what?” because I can’t understand people who do not enunciate or have accents.  Eventually, through hand gestures, we will communicate with each other that, indeed, I am hairy.  In addition, I have a hairy blue linty thing riding through my ass crack.  GREAT EVERYONE!  Rice paper candy and Mountain Dew for you!

The worst part is when the lint attracts hair.  I understand that some butt crack hair is going to intermingle with the lint, but that just doesn’t make it any better.  Now, here’s the kicker: when ladies’ hair gets all up in there.  Let’s turn towards the incident that spawned this event today: I was taking a bathroom break during work.  I saddle up to the urinal.  Pee.  While peeing decide to check my butt crack for lint (this happens multiple times a day, guyz).  Begin pulling it out (not my penis, that’s already out, silly).  ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT ONE HAIR WILL NOT COME OUT FOR FOREVER.  I just kept on pulling and pulling.  I could feel the hair going through my butt cheeks like a snake slithering through the grass.  It was uncomfortable.  Eventually it came out.  It was awful.  It was a bad dream.  It was like seeing your great grandmother’s corpse naked.  I didn’t almost throw up.  I didn’t throw up.  I grimaced.

Butt crack lint, you are a blasphemous fellow!


1000 Things We Hate has a MASTER LIST where you can check out previous posts and frolic knowing that there are things out there that piss us off just as much as it does for you!

1000 Things We Hate #237: Fancy Teeth

8 04 2012

Like with most 1000 Things We Hate posts, I need to do some clarity work before going into the meat-grinding-meat-grinder process of dissecting a hate.

When I say “Fancy Teeth,” I really mean Diamond and/or Gold teeth.  These may be fake teeth or real.  I just want to call them “Fancy Teeth” for the sake of mocking the people who really do think they’re fancy, bling, or hip… because they’re not, at all.

I smile a lot.  Or, at the very least, grin a lot.  Now, my teeth are not perfectly white coming in at a slight yellow, but they look decent.  To be fair, crazy white teeth is not the most appealing thing to look at mostly because I don’t want to burn my corneas (which also plays into Fancy Teeth).  The idea of white teeth has not been the ideal look of teeth for all cultures for all time.  In fact, during early Japan (and other Asian cultures), having black teeth was considered ideal.

It goes without saying that our view on what our teeth should be like has varied.  This new idea of Fancy Teeth doesn’t seem to have caught on as much as people hoped in the early 2000s.  So, I doubt it will become the dominating view on what teeth should look like anytime soon partially because it is presumably so expensive.  How come, though?

Gold or Diamond teeth is a way of shoving your economic status into someone’s face (or at least a desperate plea into a higher class).  It’s an excessive showering of excess.  It’s almost as if teeth was the last place to conquer in terms of gold, silver, and diamonds.  You got your earrings, studs, chains, rings, condoms, and other assortments of things to show off how incredibly rich you are.  It ultimately comes down to deciding whether you want to support aid in a third world country or buy Fancy Teeth.

There are two types of Fancy Teeth, it looks like.  You can get a grill which I assume attaches to your teeth somehow.  Presumably it’s removable.  Then you can actually REMOVE YOUR TEETH AND GET THEM REPLACED.  The first is more common.

But the first brings up all sorts of questions.  Can you just slide them off?  What happens when you get something stuck in your real teeth?  How do you chew?  Are you more indestructible?  Is this how you wish people to remember you?

It comes down to the whole excessive excess idea.  Making your teeth especially shiny just seems silly other than as a way to show off how much richer you are than your underlings.  The unemployment rate is at 8.3% in America.  There are people starving in the world.  You’re buying gold teeth.  It’s okay to buy stuff for yourself every now and again (like my obsession with books), but IT’S GOLD TEETH. Really?  Is that necessary?


More on teeth?  Check out LIPSTICK ON TEETH.

Even more excess can be found at HUMMER LIMOUSINES.

And if you want to direct your hate at a celebrity or two, then check out these posts on LINDSAY LOHAN and MEGAN FOX.

For all of our hate posts, the MASTER LIST welcomes you.