Punch in the face

11 08 2012

This slap is only warranted by him taking his shirt off first.





The Face

16 06 2012

My face when women (or other groups outside the white, male, and upper-class world we live in) are objectified in the media.

This becomes even more apparent when it happens in the form I love most: comic books.





1000 Things We Hate #108: Cat Fleas

26 10 2010

THE BANE OF MY (and Sabre's) EXISTENCE

You know, just the other day, I realized “hey, I’m not as angry at things anymore.”  And, well, it’s true: I’ve lost some of my fire.  Now, that’s not to say that I’m never going to make it to 1000 with the help of my lovely co-writers.  It just means that I’m not as ferocious and rebellious (and sexy) as I once was 6 months ago.  HOWEVER, I still have a list of at least 70 things that I’m ready to write about, and I usually add a new one every couple days or so.  Nevertheless, I’m just not as angry.

UNTIL MY CAT GOT FUCKING FLEAS.

Yeah, I know you were waiting for the catch, IT WAS THERE; ARE YOU FUCKING PLEASED NOW?

Here's what I have to look forward to ALMOST EVERY DAY.

Let’s go through some logistics here:

  • My cat is an indoor cat.  Now, I do take her outside on the leash every now and then, but not for the last two months
  • The fleas had to have come from someone else
  • Fleas are gross and they multiply
  • My cat has suddenly decided she must sleep on my face at night
  • Fleas are nearly impossible to crush and/or catch in cat fur
  • The medication usually doesn’t work on the first try
  • Constant cleaning of sheets and floors
  • Having a pet with fleas makes you feel like a bad owner
  • Fleas are bastards

ALL OF THOSE FUCKING SUCK.

Okay, I appreciate that my cat wants to show me some love and affection, and, to tell the truth, I have definitely not been touching her as much.  BUT TO SLEEP ON MY MOTHERFUCKING FACE!?  She’s got balls (not really).

Diggin' in!

All of these issues have accumulated into the dreaded bath.

Now, I gave her one on Sunday, and (oh) BOY was it terribly wonderful.  I guess getting revenge for all of the times that someone has just happened to bite my face to wake me up in the morning to feed her really is sweet.  Sure, I felt bad, and it was the loudest (she is a very loud meower anyway… so, triple the loudness) I have ever heard her meow ever.

Well, I figured “hey, that went OKAY, I should try again because the fleas are starting to go away.”  So, tonight I gave her another bath.  This time, however, SHE WAS FUCKING PREPARED.

I stepped into the tub with her in my arms.  She wrestled her way out of them.  She climbed over my shoulder onto my back.  I was standing up.  She was clinging on for dear life.  I have some minor holes in my back now.

SO FUCK YOU FLEAS.  YOU LEAD ME TO THIS PAIN.  Plus, you’re fucking annoying and gross and bastards and I just want to headbutt all of you and watch Pawn Stars…

Yeah!





1000 Things We Hate #100: Emoticons

10 09 2010

We’re 1/10th of the way done, bitches.

Goddammit

I’m going to do something a little different on this post to celebrate #100.  I’m going to let the people of facebook express their opinions/look really fucking dumb using OpenBook as a resource.  I will, of course, add commentary to them.

First off, let me just say that I hate Emoticons so fucking much and have since I was 11 using AIM.  Although, I do have to say, my one guilty pleasure is:   T_T

4 hours ago Jundee L. Carrillo said:

😦 even an emoticon can’t express what really i am now…,,,

In response:  Well, you used one anyway, dumbfuck.  That just sort of negates your whole point.  And, emoticons are so base that they have no capability at summing up even a fragment of human emotion.

6 hours ago Tom Ginger-ninja Butler said:

^_^ <<<<<< that face, right there…. is actually, the best emoticon,,,,,, ever.

In response: Actually, the best emoticon ever would be the one made directly after me bashing your face in with a fucking pineapple covered in barbed wire.

6 hours ago Reece Beaumont’s

phone doesn’t even have a semi colon on it. So I can’t make a winky emoticon. Texting just got even colder.

In response: Unfortunately for you, Reece, you can no longer hit on 16 year old girls anymore.  Well, this may be for the best.

1 day ago Arturo Reyes said:

Using more than one emoticon in a sentence should be a crime.

In response: Finally, someone I agree with!  However, this implies that still having one emoticon in a sentence is acceptable.  It is not.  For that, he just gets a swift kick in the shins.

1 day ago Nital Patel said:

I HAVE A JOB, I HAVE A JOB, YES, YES, YES!!!! Oh man im so happy right now, there’s not a smiley emoticon that can represent how happy i am about this YES!

In response: Like Arturo above, I agree with you.  However, you still suggest that an emoticon could summarize some part of your emotion(s).  So, a small “fuck you” to go.

1 day ago Braeden Secretlyasupervillan Swain said:

I present, the Braeden Swain emoticon. ≀BD›

In response: Not only can you not spell “villain,” you have ensured the dooming of the human race: creating personalized emoticons.  Dammit, I want to grind your teeth and eyes in vinegar and salt.

2 days ago James Bartlett said:

As long as you use a cute emoticon, you can insult anyone you want. Isn’t that right, stupid? 🙂 The fact that you exist causes me genuine physical pain. 😉 LOL JK ROFLMA JOWISBFLSH

In response: You know, for a moment there, I thought there might actually be a practical reason for emoticons, but this was all ruined by excessive acronyms.  James Bartlett, you deserve a headbutt… from a rhino.

7 days ago Siobhan Iero-Coleman:

just discovered a new emoticon– X/ …….. its amazing the genius you can come up with.

In response: that is not genius, that is merely you combining two previous emoticons to come up with one EVEN FUCKING WORSE.

8 days ago Kris Cernjavic said:

I woke up to find the world was grey. I didn’t leave it like this last night, there was colour and it was pretty. This morning has seen a big absence of life, fun, happiness and love. (Big black hole emoticon please)

In response: Maybe you should just kill yourself?  I mean… for the use of SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO USE AN EMOTICON BUT NOT USING ONE… which may just be worse, I’ve decided.

10 days ago Cameron William Gardner said:

Everybody look at me vagina emoticon!……… (‘)

In response: Wow, I’m not sure where to begin, but I do know that vaginas don’t really have emotion by themselves… so, the whole calling it an emoticon thing is way out of line.

11 days ago Brigitt M.N. Martin:

wishes there was an emoticon for the toothless smile of a six-year-old

In response: Right after I punched it in the face!  OOH BAM!

13 days ago Justin Anderson said:

i wish there was an emoticon for hate

In response: No comment…

As my friend Ishan cleverly pointed out, “I hate emoticons because I love them.”  However, I don’t love them, and I hate the people who use them.  Fuckers.  Fuckers.  Fuckers.

So please, don’t be a fuckhole, stop using your goddamn emoticons.





1000 Things We Hate #65: Dentist Tools

7 07 2010

I have been fearful.  Fearful by the wrath of an unknown other.  An other that has been described as caring while also being a malevolent sadist.  The other: the dentist and their tools.

This is far from your last time

So, this post is stemming from me, after a year of putting it off, finally scheduling a dentist appointment.  Now, I respect dentists and the unfortunate necessity of getting my teeth cleaned here and there.  They’re just doing a job (that they get paid a fair amount of money for), but I can’t help but be a little squemish towards the tools they use to accomplish that job.

Torture Devices

If I was catholic, I would probably strike sitting in the dentist chair to being equal to the confessional.  I mean, really, you confess to your bad hygiene, say “well, I know I really should floss more, but yeah,” and get punished for it.  The punishment: your gums bleeding like a german shepherd in heat that has also been stabbed in the eyes.

Digging and prying and scraping: so is the life

You sit down, get a bright fucking light shined into your face and have to wear hideous, plastic sunglasses from the 90s.  Then, the dentist shoves a mirror that hustles into your gag reflex.  I mean, it literally does THE HUSTLE right into your throat.  It’s like a bad porn dream where you’re the victim.

After this, the dreaded pick is unveiled.  This masterpiece is the one that scrapes all of the plaque off of your teeth.  The screech of it echoes all the way TO BRAZIL.  Your natural impulse is to shut your mouth closed, spit blood into the dentist’s face, and challenge him to a duel.  It’s just the progression of life.

You will never look this good while being raped in the mouth

The one part that I kind of like is when they fill your mouth with foam and you hold a tube that sucks it out because it feels like you can suck all the air out of my lungs and that’s kinda neat.  I use “you” on purpose because I would much rather watch “you” have this happen to you than actually experience it myself.

Overall, I blame the tools of the profession for being my nails on the chalkboard.  It’s awful.  I hate it.





1000 Things We Hate #53: The Beard Itch

4 05 2010

He just makes beard itching attractive...

Sure, I just posted about being itchy as a thing I hate, but there’s a subcategory that is all too familiar: the beard itch.  Here is it’s common definition:

beard itch [beerd ich] n. – the irritation of the skin on the face where a beard (or an attempt at a beard) is growing.

AKA – the most annoying yet slightly enjoyable thing that may happen in an average day in which you haven’t shaved for a week.

Now, this ….. sorry, I got distracted… his eye in the picture above looks like it’s a glass eye… yeah…

Now, this occurrence only happens to some men (and women), and it is unlike razor burn.  I was discussing this with my friend Taylor a week or so ago, and he said that his face is actually itchier after he shaves probably because of razor burn and I was like, “really?  Mine totally is more itchy after a week of growing.”

Secretly, I believe that the itch is a projection of our [being men and occasionally women and other] unbridled desire to touch our face and check up on the growth that has happened within the last hour.

It even happens to (is but not is) anti-semetic celebrities!

To my knowledge, nothing can fully solve this situation.  I know, from personal experience, that the best way for me to get past this event is to take my whole hand and briskly rub it across one of my cheeks for about two seconds.

I’m going to go under the idea that this may be man’s equivalent to a bear scratching its back with a tree… except we have hands to use… um, it doesn’t work as well when you think hard about that.

It would be disasterous to both scratch and/or have an itch with this wonderful masterpiece

The most likely time to see college students (of course, you have to be by a campus) vigorously touch their faces is about January 20th – March 3rd.  That’s just a rough estimate, but I would bet $5 that you would see at least three people do it on a campus of 2,000 ish (like mine) within an hour.

Obviously, this strange desire/need/annoyance has been around since the 70s, at least:

"Oh shit! I've been caught again... fuck."

Also, I figured I’d just throw in an example of women having to itch their beards:

Um, I think I want to marry you.

It’s making me reminisce about my Marx beard in high school.

So, the verdict on The Beard Itch?

It sucks on those days in which you’re compelled to run your face along a bed of nails about thirty times in five hours, but it strangely is okay when you’re by yourself… it’s almost masturbatory.

All those times that it’s not… I hate you, motherfuckers.





1000 Things We Hate #25: Dick in English Class

1 03 2010

You know, I started out 1000 Things We Hate trying to avoid the one thing that is inevitable for people like Monique and me: hating people.  Okay, I knew it was impossible, but I’ve lasted 24 (we have a whole day + now, people!) hates until I couldn’t stand how much I vehemently hated someone and had to seethe it all over you.  Partly, I blame Monique for writing about Andrew Lloyd Weber so eloquently, and, partly, I blame… Well, the dick in my English class.

Even with his identity carefully pixelatedly hidden, you can sense his ugly smirk and know that this guy is a dick.

So, I’ll begin things off by sharing that there’s usually always some dick in an English or Philosophy class.  You may find yourself thinking “holy shit, I totally know a person like that!”  I don’t blame you, they basically foam out of the pores of the earth.  That being said, you’ll also find that many of these things are rather specific which elevates this certain dick above many others.

Today, I had my English class.  All around, it’s a very awesome class with a wonderful professor who I’ve been wanting to study under for quite some time.  She had a sinus headache today.  Dick (as I’ll refer to him as if he was originally Richard) was in a moody mood.  We had to split up into groups.

This is the type of guy that you don’t want to be in a two person group in.  This is the type of guy that the air breathes a sigh of relief as the students realize it is no longer so goddamn pretentious and tense in the room anymore.

While speaking with him based upon the questions on a handout, I discovered that I really need to never show up only two minutes before class again to avoid this catastrophe.

I took a list right next to him of everything I hate about him.

  • His sentences are interjected with “I mean” which is a near cry to “You know what I mean” and “you know”
  • Often ends midway through sentences as if his brain decided to shut down and the fans are cooling
  • When he does manage to end a sentence, it is normally with “right”
  • 5 minutes of him speaking could easily be paraphrased to 1 minute by any second grader (if they could get through the next bullet)
  • He has a vocabulary that really seems to come from “The Dictionary of the Most Ostentatious Words Ever”
  • Extremely redundant in his thoughts… disguised by his ability to be a human the-saurus
  • A gun to the head would be more subtle than how he flaunts his Writing and Culture major
  • Did I mention that he has a rat tail?  Yes, this rat tail happens to be braided and rest delicately along his right clavicle waiting for the day in which it can escape and claw its previous owner
  • Cigarette stench… immensely.  I try to avoid most things that remind me of my grandfather and death
  • What do you get with those cigarettes!?  Oh yeah, stained and yellowing teeth!
  • He typically wears a plaid shirt unbuttoned with a t-shirt underneath… this t-shirt is normally some neon color

Oh yes, those are quite awful… but it got/gets worse.

Equating yourself to god... something I did when I was 16, asshole. Stop trying to be original.

When searching for an image of him, I found his blog.  Now, I’m not going to link to it because I don’t want to end up in a group presentation and have this hanging over our heads…

Sure, you do a lot of writing… one of your favorite books is “Asterios Polyp”… you were in a zombie movie called “Melvin” in which Lloyd Kaufman made a cameo (at least according to IMDB)…

Really, all of these things would make you my best friend…  Then, I look at your face again, and it reminds me of that feeling when you do too many crunches, haven’t drank water all day, and are constipated.

Your humor section isn’t even funny.  It’s awful.  I would quote some of it, but that would be too much.  It reminds me of John Hodgman, but in a really really bad way.  If John Hodgman was dead, this guy would be crying over his grave knowing that he could no longer half-assedly rip off his jokes and timetables.  I love John Hodgman, just relating English Class Dick to John Hodgman hurts that little-area-that-we-sometimes-call-metaphorically-my-heart.

You think you’re clever.  Well, sometimes it is easier to be likable and all-around decent when you make things easier on people.

The sucky part of the whole thing is that he won’t ever change, and it’s obvious that this bravado steams off of him like a freshly minted cow pie.

English Guy, you are a dick.

UPDATE: 5/3/10

I think English Class Dick may have discovered this, but I’m okay with it.

Today, during class, I got really upset at him… well, that’s a pretty common occurrence.

Anyway, I drew this picture:

Yes, I'm fully aware that my TMNT drawings are showing.

Isn’t that sparklingly delightful.  I enjoy how his eye bleeds goo/mascara.  He probably wore mascara when he was 15 to be edgy.  If this was real, I’d like to headbutt that needle even further into his eye… maybe titillate some brain cells.

Oh, yeah, I’m getting sidetracked.  Long story short:

Showed fellow classmate.  She found it hilariously true.  Sent classmate link.  She found it hilariously true.  She suggested some additions to the list of Dickshitcuntfuck things he does:

This is BEAUTIFUL! You’ve captured almost everything about him. You missed, however, his obnoxious interruptions (as he, of course, is the only person exempt from the hand-raising politeness of classroom behavior), and the way he violently shakes his head while someone is talking if he doesn’t agree with them.

I would also like to add that he normally begins his interruptions with “Well!….” or “I don’t agree!…”  It’s that stall that really bothers me.  It’s like he’s some infant fuck testing the water’s temperature with floaties on and goggles, and in a full body bathing suit… and has an ear infection… and is mentally retarded.

Oh, and I’m glad McSweeney’s thinks otherwise because, quite frankly, you have one of the poorest “new age” web designs out there.  So, I really can’t take your articles seriously with the narrow middle column screaming “garbage of phallic-sized proportions!”

English Class Dick, suck it.