1000 Things We Hate #248: Slutty Pre-Teens

24 01 2013

There is an appropriate age for everything.  Especially being a slut (assuming anyone can actual be an appropriate slut).

Hmm…do you know what cock is?

As a 22 year old I yearn for the innocence and naivety I had as a child.  It was great when people didn’t laugh when you accidently said something sexually suggestive; when sex wasn’t the first thing on every male’s mind; and when a little girl could be a little girl.

Now little girls are hardly ever allowed to be little girls.  With shows like Toddlers and Tiaras, Cheer Perfection, and Dance  Moms girls wear revealings clothes, fake tans, and gobs of makeup.  It’s all about the sex appeal of  little girls.

Sure, you want to cheer so cheer.  Sure, you want to dance so dance.  But, does a ten year old really need to show off her frilly underwear?  Do eight year olds belong in leather?

Youth is something everyone yearns for after at least thirty.  So, why do we encourage little girls to pretend to be older than they are?  It seems so hypocritical.  If they want to be sluts after they’re 18, then that is their own choice.  Until then, leave them to chose their own mismatched, colorful clothing.   Let them enjoy their youth.

This fresh face is so much cuter.





Thanks for taking care of me…

25 07 2012

Because you needed it.

By the way, I have no idea what the source is for this… but I find it hilarious!

She’s all like “mmmmhhhmmm bad decision.”  He’s like, “that’s right, cuddle my nipple.”





1000 Things We Hate #214: What Happens in ___, stays in ___

3 01 2012

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"

We all know the saying “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”  It has infected common lexicon basically meaning that you can do whatever the hell you want here without anyone knowing back at home.  It’s basically a “get outta jail free” motto that allows you to unleash your inhibitions and rock it.  That’s understandable.  I see why people would like to go to a place – Vegas or just anywhere – and act completely different than normal.  Relax, rock out, and make out with lots of people.

The problem is – everyone says that same fucking line for everything.

“Hey, you’re going to Corvallis, right?”
“Yeah, I’m planning on meeting a few guys.  You know, whatever happens in Corvallis, stays in Corvallis.”

“Oh, I heard you’re heading to go into the woods to hunt Sasquatch!”
“Totally, whatever happens in the Lewis & Clark national forest, stays in the forest.”

Of course, if you were hunting Sasquatch, you probably would like to share that footage or proof of that giant ape-thing.

Overall, I feel like the saying is so overused that when someone says “I’m going to Vegas for Spring Break!,” you instantly think that they’re going to do something crazy and leave it behind them.

Another aspect is that the phrase makes people think that whatever they do will be easily forgotten and is completely excusable.  Get drunk and have sex with a hooker!  That will definitely not objectify the person and utilize them for minuscule sexual gratification.  Get drunk and dance on a bar!  Well, you’ll be the fool everyone vaguely remembers the next day and you’ll feel embarrassed (okay, I suppose that’s a bit more excusable).

Naturally, there have been some parodies of the common phrase.  Such as the idea that, if you get pregnant – or married – you can’t really leave that behind in Vegas.  In fact, there have even been whole movies based around this idea.  Honestly, these are almost more annoying than the actual phrase.  YES, we know there are some exceptions to the phrase, but you pointing them out in an attempt at being witty actually makes you seem incredibly foolish and annoying.  SO ANNOYING, that you get a sock in the ego-jaw.

So please, don’t rely upon this cheap phrase or you face looking like an idiot.

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Being reasonable for something that is overly annoying!? *gasp* that is a rare thing.  For something more vulgar or just to release your underlying hate, check out our MASTER LIST!





1000 Things We Hate #213: Sex Tours

29 12 2011

Some people like to brag.  It’s an easy thing to do.  Such as me bragging at being better than you at reading comic books.  Miniscule but effective.  It’s just a natural thing to like to talk about yourself on occasion.  Sure, some people are “brag-less.”  They’re few and far between, but these modest-ers do show up now and again.

People who brag about sex are not modest.  In fact, they often go into full detail after saying “we had sex.”  They could elaborate into what positions they did it in or whatever, but it’s bragging.  Some people are unrestrained.

This post focuses on those people who brag about sex, but not just about sex – about where they’ve had sex.  This post is inspired by my friend Autumn who was in the unfortunate position of being stuck in a car with a former housemate who drove Autumn all around to the places she had had sex in.

The problem with Autumn’s experience was that she was trapped inside this person’s car.  Autumn was getting a tour of Tacoma via sex.  It seems like the whole purpose of the trip was for this girl to show off.  It’s just not very cool to do that to someone when you’ve barely hung out with them before.  It’s as if she had nothing else to talk about other than sex.  Talking to someone about sex when you’ve barely talked to them before is intimidating.  Why would you do that to someone?  Really, why?

The person trapped has no way of getting out of the conversation for fear that they may be driven off a bridge.  It’s just not cool.  Now, if this was your new best friend who you’ve spent time with before and were comfortable at this stage to talk about sex, then it’s okay.  Basically, when both parties are consenting to the conversation then it’s accepatble.  Don’t traumatize the trapped person on your first real time spent together.

Driving around from place to place just to brag is ridiculous.  So, keep it in check.  I do not want to hear about you doing it in that parking lot, or under that tree, or on the beach, or inside that K-Mart, or in the Subway bathroom, or at that person’s house, or that person’s house, or that person’s house.

Fun fact, the girl then forced Autumn to talk to her mom.  I met her mom, she was a crazy cat lady.

Another fun fact, I am partially responsible for this event between Autumn and this girl because I was invited and said no.  Autumn was too nice to say no, and ended up getting stuck in the situation one-on-one.

Lesson: Never say ‘yes’ unless you know what you’re getting into.

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Hopefully, you’re ready to ‘get into’ more 1000 Things We Hate!  Hilarity and Hate are just around the corner over at our archival MASTER LIST!





1000 Things We Hate #149: Pregnant Belly Touching

18 03 2011

OHHH A HEART! LUVS!

Here’s something I do not understand… at all.  Why do pregnant bellies always need to be touched?  Isn’t it hard enough just being pregnant but then to have everyone’s hands groping your stomach on top of it!(?)

The thing is: Pregnancy is tough.  You have a living thing growing inside of you, and then suddenly it explodes out after leeching off of your body for 8 and a half months.  Appealing, yes?

So why, after everything, does pregnancy give people the excuse to touch stranger’s bellies?

How surreal...

Now, if I was a woman and I was pregnant – which I’m not because I’m a man… from Bend, OR… wait… I recall a man being pregnant there… – I would not enjoy complete strangers touching me.  What about being pregnant allows strangers to touch strangers?  IS THE PREGNANT BELLY LIKE A FUCKING DOG AT A DOG PARK!?  DO WE NEED A PREGNANT PARK!?  A pregnant park… we could market that.  It’s like parading a pregnant person around like a zoo animal.  “Come take your picture next to this pregnant stomach!”

There’s just some decency in private space.  I suppose no one will ever be able to give me a reasonable answer about women suddenly being allowed to be touched because they have a fetus growing inside them.  Now, I can understand people asking “Is the gender a boy or a girl?”  Which, I being the socially conscious dick that I am, would answer “I’m not sure, it hasn’t decided yet,”  to which startled eyes would follow.  Acting concerned about another’s well being is an alright trait to have.  Pregnancy is a big, life-changing experience, but couldn’t we take some of that concern nature and spread it out between everyone?

If I or someone I know became pregnant (through some strange miracle or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie), I do not think that suddenly gives people a “Please touch me!” pass.  In fact it should give people a “3 months from now I’m going to be in so much pain and wishing this had never happened so don’t make it any worse” sign.

Because they make signs with so many words, really.